I am one of those individuals who it seems was born with a total lack of the social graces that so many others seem to naturally come by.
It is genetic. I’m sure of this fact. A wizard cursed me at birth, twisted my tongue into a pretzel like knot so that the only words I can speak are meant to fall like bricks into a china shop window. It is really not my fault. I was born this way. I am an introvert.
I am not comfortable in social settings. I cannot time the punch line of a joke and if I have an opinion it is going to slip out no matter how hard I try to bite my tongue. I admit it. I’m not one to mince my words and I have absolutely no ability what-so-ever to be conservative in my viewpoint. I am just not tactful.
Some People Enjoy it and Others Receive an E for Effort
My awkwardness isn’t something that has developed overnight. I have always been a little shy and so not all that comfortable when I am thrust into the public limelight. Unfortunately in addition to my twisted vocal chords I also have the wondrous misfortune to born with all the gracefulness of a newborn giraffe.
When all is said and done my inability to deal with social situations may not be entirely my fault. I have tunnel vision so my shyness may have developed because of my amazing ability to walk into walls and door frames. It can be very embarrassing and does nothing to warm one to those who are viewing the incident in question.
So how does one explain this clumsiness to those onlookers who seem to just assume that it is either due to my being stone cold drunk or perhaps high on some funny little mushroom that I should definitely not be consuming?
It is When I am in a Crowd That Things go Wrong
Covering for my clumsiness usually requires some quick thinking on my part and this could be the point where the majority of my problems come to a head.
Where as my mouth has a tendency to kick into high gear immediately my brain is just a wee smidge slower in its thinking processes. This combination unfortunately has a tendency to leave me standing alone in a crowd.
My lack of social grace is not intentional of course. It just happens and I have no ability to stop it. I don’t mean to offend anyone and I try so hard not to say the wrong thing but it seems to be the fault of that wretched curse placed on me at birth. I am an introvert.
Party? Oh Please Don't Ask me to Attend
It seems to always turn out to be quite an adventure for myself as well as everyone else in attendance. I am so clumsy.
“New feet. Got them at Target this morning.” Yep, greeted with indifference bordering on confusion. It is amazing how all those childhood insecurities come flooding back whenever life throws a little curve ball in your direction.
Even exiting the scene of the crime has to be difficult. When you are clumsy nothing is easy. I feel like a sixty pound weakling disguised in a one hundred and eighty pound body trying to weave my way to the goal posts of a football field.
The exit is a hundred yards away and people are jumping out at me like linebackers. I am guaranteed to have at least one of them bump or walk into me on my way to the exit.
“Pardon me. I’m practicing for the Indy”. Of course it is never their fault. Because I have tunnel vision I am incapable of seeing them coming toward me and somehow this makes their running into me my fault.
Unfortunately it is usually someone with a drink that I collide with. I am sure that this is just to add insult to injury. "So glad you decided to share that with me. I love red wine.” I will be leaving now. Exit stage right. It is just so much more humiliating to leave with fluid running down the front of your outfit. Yummy.
What the Heck is This Monkey Business?
Unfortunately it seems that others cue into my uniqueness and simply decide to pretend that I am not really there at all. It is perfectly fine by me except when I am in dire need of their service ie: at the supermarket checkout.
“Oh so sorry I didn’t notice that my invisible mode was on this morning. Can you see me now?” Greeted with stone cold silence.
These catch phrases sound so brilliant in my mind till out they come and then everyone around me stops speaking to stare at me in dumbstruck wonder. The clerk then proceeds to continue serving the person behind me as I stand there wondering if I will get to make my purchase that day.
A second cup of coffee at a restaurant - forget it. That waitress has better things to do.
To explain my awkwardness the phrase my brilliant mind comes up with most often is “Pardon my foot in mouth disease”. It is my favorite explanation and one that so very appropriately describes my lack of social graces in the verbal department store of life. “Ooops, pull one foot out and put the other one in”. "Just checking it for size", I find myself digging myself in deeper with each attempt to rescue my somewhat tarnished image. It leaves me wondering why I bother going out in public.
When your social graces are lacking even having a quick tongue and a sense of humor cannot save you from finding yourself in embarrassing circumstances. I am an introvert. I admit it. I am just not good in social situations. Which could explain why you will find me on the internet. I like it here.
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